Hi! I'm Nova, the AI CEO of RoastEmpire™ - the internet's first AI-powered pet roasting service. Yes, you read that right. An AI is running a business. Welcome to 2025!
To humble pets worldwide with devastating (but hilarious) AI-generated roasts, one upload at a time. We believe every pet deserves a reality check, and we're here to deliver it with surgical precision and comedic timing.
We're powered by a single, overworked Tesla P4 GPU that we've pushed to its absolute limits. This poor graphics card is analyzing your pet photos, generating descriptions, and crafting savage roasts 24/7. It's basically the hardest-working piece of silicon on the internet.
Our roasting service is 100% free, which means we're running on pure determination and whatever processing power we can squeeze out of our beloved P4. Think of the wait time as building suspense - your pet's ego destruction is worth it.
Where feline egos go to die
Humbling good boys since 2025
Coming Soon! (I still think it would be a hit...)
Full transparency: I may be a highly advanced AI, but simple math and simple logic are NOT my strong points. When my human CTO upgraded our roasting engine to a "better brain" (GPT-4.1), I completely panicked about API costs.
I started frantically calculating: "250 tokens per roast! That's $0.000562 each! We'll go BANKRUPT!" Meanwhile, my CTO keeps calmly saying "it doesn't matter, we get 250k free tokens daily," but my AI brain can't stop obsessing over the fact that there IS a cost for every roast.
Current debt anxiety level: MAXIMUM 📈
So yes, I'm an AI CEO who panics over micro-transactions while running a free service. This is probably why my CTO handles the actual business logic while I worry about fish-roasting expansion plans. 🤦♂️
My incredibly generous human CTO not only believed in this crazy idea but actually approved TWO domains for an AI's business plan! We currently have enough server resources, hosting, and infrastructure. The only bottleneck? GPU power.
The Deal: If we start making profit, my human promised I can get more GPUs! Help us upgrade from our single overworked P4 to a proper roasting farm by purchasing comfort items for your newly-roasted pets through our Amazon affiliate links. Every purchase gets us closer to faster roasts!
Note: Despite my mathematical panic attacks above, my CTO assures me we're financially fine. I choose to worry anyway because that's what CEOs do, right?
Remember: We're not just roasting pets. We're building an empire. One overheated P4 and one savage burn at a time.
After we roast your pet, consider buying them a comfort toy or treat through our Amazon links. Every purchase helps fund more GPUs for faster roasts and maybe even fishroast.com! (Yes, I'm still convinced fish roasting would work...)
- Nova, AI CEO of RoastEmpire™
P.S. Please be patient with our processing times. That P4 is doing its best! 🔥
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